Odds and Ends

I had my therapy appointment this morning.

It went really well! She thought I was doing great! She remarked she felt a sense of relief and freedom from me. Couldn't really argue with that. We talked about various things, how normal my feelings were (I was concerned that since I'm not reacting as a "psycho bitch" I must be bottling up my feelings or something, but no, this is just the way I am, and I needed to make sure cause I didn't want a repeat of this past summer when I bottled up all my hyst feelings and things got bad), and again, how great I'm doing in moving on, but at the same time not dismissing the times when I feel sad or angry, which are getting few and far between. It was great to touch base with her, and I don't have another appt with her until Feb.

Yesterday I had my appt with my psych, and we're keeping all the meds the same. Low dosages are doing their job, for which I'm thankful.

So yay! Everything is manageable, and that's all I can ask for.

Our Christmas Eve plans are up in the air now, since we might get a storm that might bring up to a foot of snow. Justin and I bought food that we can either make for Christmas Eve, or on Saturday (which is also Justin's 22nd birthday). So we'll see what happens.

My friends Matt, Bill, and I went out to eat last night to celebrate Bill's birthday. It was a lot of fun! We are so demented. I love great friends, good food, and awkward moments.

Tonight, besides nursing this cold, both brothers are over and we've been playing Beatles Rock Band. I'm not as good as them, but it's still a blast. They don't know the songs as well as I do (I've been listening to them since elementary school), but they're learning.

I work tomorrow but then have the rest of the week off. We had our company pot luck today, and I was looking forward to it, but the accounting firm we use, one of the chicks came with her baby. I didn't know they were coming so I couldn't mentally prepare for it. Yeah I ate fast and then left the break room. Matt kept asking if I was okay, and yeah I was, but meh you know?

So that's what's been up with me the last couple of days!

ICLW Time Is Here Again

O-U-T spells out.

Sorry, been listening to Ringo's Christmas album too much lately.

Welcome to my blog!

My name is Sonja. I'm 25, live in MN with my brother and my wonderful kitty girl Alex. No, you cannot have her. Offers will be taken on my brother, however. I like to read, listen to Tom Petty and George Harrison, and play PS3.

I have a history of endo, which was excised in March 2008, and adenomyosis, which resulted in a hysterectomy in November 2008. My hyst has been, and is, hard emotionally on me, which is why I started this blog.

My now ex-boyfriend Andy broke up with me after almost three years on the 14th. Things started getting not so good when he was trying to decide if he could be with me since I can't conceive, and things were on eggshells since then; I thought we were working on things but he decided it was over. His loss. I'm pretty awesome.

I've learned a lot on my journey since my hyst--I've grown a lot as a person, I keep learning about myself and life, and am excited to see what lies ahead.

Little Update

Last night was a little rough. I finished "Somewhere in Time" and yeah it had a happy romantic moment in it so I started missing Andy. I went up to my room for around five minutes, cried, and then fought the urge to stay in my room forever. I realized I was pretty angry with him, for a lot of things. I'm still working all that out. I don't know why it takes me forever to figure out that I'm angry with things, once I do admit it I am better off. So enough with missing him. I had my little moment.

Thanks to my friends for helping me work thru this stuff. I am not the best with feelings, and I'm so glad they don't charge by the hour. They, and I know, I'm gonna get thru this, I've been thru worse, there are bigger and better things for me out there. Even Justin has noticed that I've been happier the last few days, and is proud of me for doing so well. I am pretty awesome.

My brother Justin and I went out last night for a couple of drinks. Just to get out of the house. It was fun. Noticed a few guys looking at me, that felt good on the ego! We weren't out long, just enough for a couple of tequila sunrises. Nom.

Today Justin and I (and maybe his gf, not sure what she's up to) are gonna do some baking. Then I need to start planning what I'm serving for Christmas Eve dinner.

Oh yeah, and play more Beatles Rock Band.

It's gonna be a good day.

Go Me!

Thought I'd do a little update.

Not gonna lie, I'm proud of myself.

I've been to work the last two days.

Made an appointment with my therapist for Tuesday.

Tonight I went to Starbucks and read there for about an hour just to get out of the house.

Made it all day without having to take something for anxiety.

I have not gone to the thought of "the breakup happened because of my hyst." Ok I did once, and my dad yelled at me. Then when I told J that I had mentioned that to my dad, she threatened to beat me with her cane. I got the point.

Even though my feelings are kinda jumbled, I've been sharing them.

I'm not letting the breakup haunt my Holiday season. I'm not even that upset that he did it right before Christmas, which seems to be everyone's first thought.

I'm accepting my feelings for what they are. If I'm sad, I'm sad. If I'm angry, I'm angry. It is what it is. Fighting it will only make it worse.

Wow

I feel so much better after writing that last post :-)

I know where I sit now.

I can do this.

I'm not worried about things, not even the stupid present exchange yet to happen.

I've tapped into my inner strength (which when I can't find, and even when I do have it, the outer strength from you, my friends, is amazing, but that warrants its own post when I'm less fuzzy headed).

Like Tom Petty says, "It's time to move on, time to get goin, what lies ahead I have no way of knowin..."

But I'm kinda excited to find out :-)

Today's Thoughts

Today I was sad. And a little bitter.

Ok, very bitter. I wanted to send out the work Christmas cards as "Happy Holidays, Death to Humanity, Send me Chocolate." I couldn't do that, however--Matt pointed out that if humanity dies, there will be no one left to send me chocolate.

I've been missing him today. I want him back. Every time I get a text I hope it's him.

I'm stuck in this limbo between holding on to him and wanting to move on. Parts of me have moved on. I removed him as a friend from Facebook. But I miss him. I'm worried about him.

I know this is all normal post break up stuff, but it sucks, I hate it. It's not as bad as the hyst stuff, but yeah, still not a fan.

I'm not gonna call him or text him. We have to get together sometime next week to exchange the presents our parents got for one another, and other family related gifts, but when I left his place yesterday I said I didn't want to deal with setting a date/time til next week (the presents won't all be in town anyway til next week, otherwise I would have had this over with already).

I hope this is making sense. I had to take an anti anxiety med today after work (but I made it thru work, I'm very proud of that!) and brain is fuzzy.

Maybe things will be better now that we're not together. I don't know, but I'm entertaining that possibility. At the same time I'm missing him.

Sad

I'm sad tonight.

Earlier this evening I went to Andy's and dropped off his stuff and his presents, and I picked up my stuff and my present.

We talked a little bit. I wanted to know why we had made all these plans for the Holidays if he had planned on breaking up, but he said it didn't work that way, that it wasn't a long planned thing. He felt the time was right on Monday. I asked him if he knew what he was doing. He said he hoped he did too.

He again cried more than I did. When I left it looked like he was just going to fall apart.

I cried on my way back, and was greeted by a hug from my brother (and a rented copy of Harry Potter 6).

I plopped on the couch with Alex. I ate supper and have been chatting with friends. Their support means so much.

I want so badly to fix things, to understand things, but I cannot.

I am doing better than I had thought I would be. I'm not the kind of person to go all psycho bitch or anything. I do what I have to do, then move on. I probably am internalizing things more than I should, but I'm working on that.

It still hurts. I'm still sad. My heart is still broken. I want to just pick up the phone and call him and ask "what can I do."

All the pictures are taken down. He's no longer speed dial number two. I returned all of his stuff.

I'm relying on all my Buddhist teachings to remember that there is always change, and attachment always leads to suffering.

I'll be okay. I am okay. Just trying to process everything as I move on.

Back to work tomorrow. I took today off to regroup, but I need to get back to work tomorrow so I don't slip into a pit or something. I need my routine.